When new members sign up to Swan, we ask them a lot of questions. One of the most important focuses on non-negotiables – that is, what can you absolutely not live with (or without) in a relationship? The answers to this can rule out even the most compatible of matches. So what do people value even more than the perfect fit?
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Shared values and beliefs

Some values – kindness, honesty, mutual respect – are near-universal, so people don't feel compelled to highlight that they matter. Others are more specific, and we see a significant proportion of members expressing the desire to avoid matches whose political beliefs differ from their own.

Left-wingers seek to avoid right-wingers more than the converse, but a significant number of people seek to avoid extreme beliefs altogether, ruling out anyone whose views fall very far outside the Overton window.

Religion also comes up frequently: although almost half of Swan's members profess faith or spirituality, a high proportion of the atheistic and agnostic crowd prefer not to be matched with anyone with religious convictions. Equally, a minority of religious members are open only to matches who share their own faith.

Lifestyle choices

Only 2.6% of Swan's members are regular smokers, compared to about 16.3% of a similar age group in the UK as a whole. Yet it's a common "must avoid" criterion, particularly amongst women, with many going out of their way to list it as something to steer clear of. Recreational drug use is also generally frowned upon, as is heavy drinking, although neither of these is mentioned as often as the desire to avoid cigarette smokers.

In a similar vein, many members list some level of physical activity as a non-negotiable. "I don't want to date someone completely inactive" and "I'd prefer someone who keeps fit" are both more common refrains than "I'll only date triathletes," but some level of activity is one of the most frequently mentioned dealbreakers here – including amongst people who themselves exercise only occasionally. Although physical fitness and physical appearance should usually be understood as separate preferences, it's likely that some appearance criteria are being smuggled in here via diplomatic language: we sometimes see "I don't want someone who never exercises" function as polite cover for "I don't want someone who looks like they never exercise."

Men are more likely to be explicit about their physical preferences here, but only a small minority (under 5%) of members share non-negotiables related to appearance. Of those, the most common preference expressed by women is to do with height: "Taller than me please" is a frequent request, particularly from women who are themselves of above average height. Some men also request female partners to be of around their own height or shorter, but this is comparatively rare.

A few male members have strong preferences on tattoos, piercings, and other body modifications (almost always preferring to avoid them) – but although these preferences can be powerful, the proportion of men expressing them is very small (under 2.5%).

Family planning

Wanting or not wanting children is one of the most significant (and common) divisions we see. For a lot of members, particularly those in their mid-thirties or above, wanting children can take precedence over almost all other variables. For the relatively few Swan members who already have children, acceptance of that fact by any potential partner is paramount, and some of those members prefer to date people with children of their own.

We've previously found that an unusually high percentage of Swan members either probably or definitely want their own children in the future, and we see that preference expressed strongly when asking about non-negotiable criteria for matching.

More men than women want children, but women are more likely to mention it spontaneously – including those who make it clear that they don't see children as part of their future, because they want to avoid being paired up with men who would ask it of them. A few members, typically those in their late 30s or older, are avowedly child-free and so also make it clear that they won't date anyone who already has children.

Similarly divisive are pets. Those who have them typically want matches to be good with, or at least happy around, animals. Of the roughly 75% of Swan members who don't have pets, about a third would prefer not to have them at all, and those with allergies or strong dislikes can sometimes be unequivocal in their refusal to consider a relationship with anyone who lives with furry friends.

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We've covered the most prominent non-negotiables here, but missing are the thousands of different (and sometimes very idiosyncratic) one-off preferences expressed inside our character assessment. Everything from education to eye colour is covered, and an interesting trend emerges at scale: as people grow older, their preferences mature from those focused on objective attributes ("must have gone to a good university," "must be over 6 foot tall," "must be slimmer than me") to more subjective ones ("must care about family", "must respect others' beliefs," "must be open-minded").

The more stringent someone's non-negotiables, the less eligible for matching they become, because they rule out increasingly large groups of the population. Equally, someone who expresses few to zero unique preferences can be tricky to read – partly why our post-date survey is so useful. We love learning more about our members, and encourage a healthy dose of open-mindedness when it comes to all things romantic.

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